


The Night is Dark and Full of Cabbages

by poolsidescientist



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Cabbages, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, I Don't Even Know, M/M, What Was I Thinking?, the worst thing i have ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 07:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12104073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poolsidescientist/pseuds/poolsidescientist
Summary: When the Night's Watch fails, an unlikely hero emerges from a distant land. Spoilers for A Dance With Dragons.





	The Night is Dark and Full of Cabbages

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm on the maximum dose of sinus medication and have not had a cold this bad since 2010. I don't even know where this idea came from this is literally the worst thing I have ever written. Enjoy? I guess?

Dolores Edd was having a terrible day. Truth be told, every day of his life was terrible but things had only gotten worse since he had joined the night’s watch. The cold was bad enough, the food worse, and now the dead were coming back to wage war on the living. Why the dead would ever come back for was beyond Edd. One life was bad enough.

This morning started in the middle of the night with the howling of a wolf. Not just any wolf, Jon Snow’s direwolf Ghost. The previously silent direwolf was now howling. Upon hearing the howls of Ghost Edd did the logical thing: roll over and go back to sleep. He awoke several hours later to find chaos had emerged between the members of the Night’s Watch and the the wildlings. Ghost was still snarling. Satin, Jon Snow’s squire was trying to appease the direwolf but to no avail. Jon Snow was nowhere to be found. 

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Edd asked Satin, who was trying to brush some of Ghost’s fur off his clothes. Trust the one Stark relative to join the Night’s Watch to have a white direwolf. Winter may be coming but every season seemed to be shedding season for Ghost.

“There’s been a mutiny,” Satin frowned, “they killed the Lord Commander. They stabbed him dead.” Edd’s eyes widened, even he hadn’t seen this coming. “I don’t know what to do.” Ghost continued to howl.

“We’ll need nothing short of a miracle to get out of this alive, not that I believe in-”

“Cabbages!” The fighting was interrupted by Melisandre who had run out from watching the fire. “Cabbages will save us all.” She ran back to the fire, followed by Ghost.

“The night is dark and full of cabbages,” Edd snarked.

“Others take us all…” Satin buried his hands in his face, Edd had never seen the man in such a state of absolute despair. In the background they could hear Melisandre performing some ritual over the flames. Both men were far too confused to react. If only Sam were here there was a chance he had read about something similar in one of those books of his. But not even Sam would have been able to prepare them for what they were about to see. An old man and a cart full of cabbages burst of the flames. Even Melisandre looked shocked. She would have been more comfortable dealing with a shadow demon. 

“MY CABBAGES!!!!!!!!!!” The man lamented as cabbages went flying across the room. Ghost caught one in his jaws and ran off. “First I get attacked by platypus bears, and now this!”

“Well, I guess we finally get a break from turnips.” For the first time in ages, Edd smiled, he missed the glorious filling taste of cabbage. 

“Welcome to the wall,” Satin introduced nervously, trying to take a few steps back before slipping over a cabbage and falling on his face.

“Wall? What wall? I don’t know where I am, but I can tell that it’s not Ba Sing Se!”

“No,” Melisandre answered, “ You are not in Ba Sing Se. There is no war in Ba Sing Se. You’ve crossed into another world and are now in Westeros.”

“So I’m in the Spirit World?”

“Not that I can tell. I saw in the flames a great savior to summon to help us to defeat an army of the dead. I was not expecting cabbages but the R’hllor works in mysterious ways.” Melisandre shrugged, and was about to leave when Jon Snow came running in. The same dead Jon Snow that had been stabbed the night before.

“Lord Commander! I’m sorry about the men….I thought you were dead!” said Satin.

“I was. Then I woke up to Ghost dropping a cabbage on my chest. He wanted to play fetch,” Jon opened up his cloak and tunic to reveal the absence of stab wounds, “I don’t know what happened.” Ghost wagged his tail, cabbage proudly in his mouth.

“The white wolf is wise,” Melisandre patted Ghost behind the ear, “Healing comes in many forms, I suppose. Cabbages included.”

“They’re very nutritious,” Edd added, winking at the cabbage merchant who blushed right back at him. “Considering how long we’ve been here freezing our asses off anything green looks magical at this point.”

“If the wights touch them, perhaps they’ll regain their humanity?” Jon suggested.

“Maybe even winter would end?” Satin hoped, poor boy was from the Reach.

“Azor Ahai...is a wheelbarrow full of cabbages…” Melisandre stood there, stunned at the revelation for a minute before putting the cabbages back in the wheelbarrow and walking away with it, followed closely by Satin, Jon, and Ghost.

“They took all my cabbages away.” The cabbage merchant sulked.

“Don’t worry,” Edd patted him on the shoulder, “whatever you think is going to happen, it’s going to be much worse.”

“That’s just making me even more worried.”

“You probably should be. I’m guessing you know how to grow cabbages.”

“Of course I do! Do you honestly think I have the patience to wait for some shifty slug-laden supplier to deliver wilted vegetables? I do not!!” The cabbage merchant declared passionately, Edd was impressed with his enthusiasm. Not a trait he often found particularly useful, but somehow seemed impressive in this cabbage merchant.

“Look, the men here, they haven’t seen a green vegetable in months. Once this winter ends you can grow and sell all the cabbages you like.” The cabbage merchant’s eyes lit up, they were green like a fresh cabbage salad.

“And there are no platypus bears here?” The cabbage merchant stroked Edd’s cheek with his fingers.

“Absolutely not,” the cabbage merchant kissed him, his mouth tasted like soup. Edd couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten a bowl of soup with ingredients he had any desire to identify.

“Summer will come soon enough, everything else does. But for now, let’s do something we can’t do with cabbages.”


End file.
